Weds. ponderings

I was beginning to wonder IF I was ever  going to pop to the surface again? You know how it is when you think you just cannot handle ONE more piece of anything and then you turn around and it seems like a tractor trailer runs over you???????????????????????? Yep, I'm having one of those days -er- weeks~

It's almost getting to be funny the way things just keep falling on my head because after so long you become kind  of numb to it because it has to end SOMERTIME  - doesn't it??????????? I know that we all have our share to deal with and I am having trouble handling our money - It sounds simple I know -just not enough money to go around due to the economy and when the money shrank - I do believe my brain shrank with it too!That has to be the problem. :::Then after racking my brain and looking at the problem for every angle - I was just stuck-plain and simple! But I got lucky because today I got to see my counselor (the angel) and I cried on her shoulder for an hour and then came out -ready to battle on with the finance wizards of   our kingdom one more time.

When we arrived home and I pulled the mail out of the mailbox I saw a letter from our bank and I Knew it was not going to be good news. One of my worst fears - yep- a bounced check. My heart broke. More to befuddle my poor wee brain , as if it doesn't have too much to figure out now.So, I came in the house and had a little "pity me" party while I had some water . I knew I was going to fall into some kind of depression and I Hate those things so I walked outdoors to get some fresh air and I noticed the smell of rain? Yea, the clouds were getting black and ominous. There was a sprinkle of rain in the air so I headed up to the critter barn to give the guinea pigs the grass I had pulled them earlier in the evening and that was when it hit. Thunder like I had never heard and the rain started falling like buckets from heaven. Next you top that off with winds like I have not seen too often in my lifetime. The trees were bending from right to left like they were dancing and then this wall of rain came falling upon the disturbance as it was heading back to face this oncoming onslaught  and they seemed to clash together with such force that caused me to back further in the building, kinda in fear that the trees might come down on me and the building.

I wondered if this storm was like the mental storm that my brain has been dealing with.???It's not like this storm of  our finances is caused by something that we went out and added to our list of ways to spend money on-no, this is caused by the economy and the medical increase in DH 's disability check???

Well, I am sorry that I have  bawled on you guys shoulders-please forgive me. I thought maybe if I just shared that it would lighten the load and help light my way into this dark new territory that I have found myself thrust in.I think maybe I should have followed in my dear Uncle Larry's foot-steps.He was my Mom's brother and he was in one of the wars. But , when he returned home he retreated from life - much like the way I would like to. Of course he did not have any children and never married. At first he lived in the house that my grandparents had raised him in  until he accidentally burned it down .Next he built a little lean too cabin  -which did the same thing -so this third move he went deep into the forest and you had to walk a mile to go see him because he had no car and he walked the trip to the little country store for anything he needed  besides when he hunted for his food.So, now that I think of it -I believe that he was hunting for peace. I think he saw too many horrible things  in the war and he came home to get as far away from what  human beings do to other human beings as he could , and he did pretty good at it. He had no light bills because he had a kerosene lantern for light , he had a wood stove for heat in the winter and to cook food with, so he had no electricity bill .
I remember that I was little , but that I liked him very much. Not the part about killing animals to live -because I am a animal lover all the way down to my toes. But I liked his nice quiet way of being and the faint oder of him that smelled like the woods. I liked his soft eyes and he had a soft voice that I  paid attention to  while he and Mama talked and he smoked his pipe.

He sure accomplished his goal of isolating himself from most of the world out side . He did not have many visitors because he had to walk that mile in the woods to get to see him , so my Mom and the other brother were the only two that I ever saw visit him.

I still have his glass plaque that he had for being in the service with his name and a picture of him in his uniform. He was very handsome and very young at that time. By the time he was in his 40's he got sick and Uncle Harry took him to the V.A. hospital to see what was happening  to him and of course it was a cancer . It started eating his face and they told him all the things that they would try to do. When he got home he thanked Uncle Harry and told him that there would be no need of him coming to take him back -that he did not want to live that way. It slowly ate his lips and up the side of his nose until it got to his eyeball. But, he was so brave and determined to live life on his terms. He would take bleach and wash the places out to keep them clean and you know - I really think that he lived longer with his treatments than he would have with theirs.I loved him dearly , but I do not think that he knew that little girl felt that way about him.

Well, I hear the thunder coming back -maybe for round 2 - so I will let your go and thank you so much  !